Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
