oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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