just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
