I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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