so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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