i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
