it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
