I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
