saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
