Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
