I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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