It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
