A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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