I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
just tell him i said nine months
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
