He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
