highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
