he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
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