My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
