You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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