She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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