Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
