don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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