maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
