I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Randomize
