we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
