Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
