Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
