Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
