ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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