I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
