so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
