If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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