I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Randomize
