So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
