dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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