Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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