I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
farters have to be the big spoon...
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Randomize
