Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
