Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
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I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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