2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
