I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
