it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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