please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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