we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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