genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
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