My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
