you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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