All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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