Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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