she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
