my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
