Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
