my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
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