i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
