and you said cock pushups were impossible
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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