I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
