My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
