why didn't you poke me back
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
