sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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