i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
