I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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